i’ve always lived by a sort-of love all philosophy. we’re all universally connected by this thing called love that flows through the cores of our very beings, and it is an energy that we must exchange with every being we encounter. i still believe in this, however these past couple of weeks have had me questioning how i love others. i always assumed others truly needed whatever it was that they were asking for. i mean, why else would they be asking for it? so, i would selflessly give others whatever it was that they demanded, no matter the effects on my own self. this happened a lot in oregon, as I allowed friend/acquaintance/weird tinder man to use, manipulate, and take advantage of me in pretty much any way imaginable. maybe he is acting from a different part of himself, one that confuses what he really needs with what he thinks he needs. maybe he really is trying to love, when really he is hurting others. maybe, just maybe, it isn’t my job to give him what he thinks he needs, what he demands of me, but rather to give him what he really needs, space for healing. i mean, how is he supposed to realize that the love he thinks he’s sharing is really pain? since i arrived home a few days ago, he has called and texted me several times, with messages indicating that he’s been trying to teach me something, and that I should be grateful for him and what he put me through, that those were his intentions, and that they were yet still far from malicious or hurtful. he’s clearly disillusioned, delusional even, regardless of what he sees it as. so i must show him tough love, by saying no, and staying far, and all i can do is hope for the best for him, from many miles away.

the biggest lesson i’ve learned about love and hate, is how easily confused the two are. when i’d tell him no, f/a/wtm would accuse me of hating him. but maybe its best for him to not get what he thinks he wants, and maybe we’re both better off with some distance between us. he would tell me he did every awful thing that he did out of love, because he loves me, because he loves everyone. he very well might love me; he very well might love everyone. maybe hate doesn’t exist. but the energy he was exchanging to me and trying to share with me was definitely not love in the pure, simple sense. it was dirty, contaminated love. more simply put, it was pain. he had some wounds that needed healing. he had some pain he was afraid to feel. so he did what was easy and comfortable for him, and he gave some of that pain to me. that ultimately doesn’t take from his pain, which must keep growing in its own ways until properly addressed. but he comforted himself by saying that the pain is love. and while its been said otherwise about 1238973458y3874592834723432 times, pain is definitely not love.

another saying i’ve heard far too many times: “treat others how you want to be treated.” this might very well be true for most people. but i often forget that i am a valid human being, and deserve to be treated as such. for me personally, i feel like a better saying would be “I deserve to treat myself the way i treat others.” sometimes i forget that i’m a person like everyone else, equally worthy and full of love as they are. i’m a person, not a doormat, and maybe the people that i used to let walk all over me would benefit from learning to walk on their own ground instead, while i love them, either from near or from afar. i established years ago that i love everyone. now, i’m ready to reevaluate and learn better how to love everyone.