if you read my last blog post you’ll know that this trip out to oregon was a very spontaneous, impulsive, last-minute, spur-of-the-moment type thing. most things that i do are. i’m a life path 5 in numerology, its basically the nature of the beast. that being said, i’m also such a planner. in the brief span of time between me having an idea of something i want to do and the execution, i get an idea in my head of exactly how its going to go. in the few days leading up to my departure from baltimore, i had vivid pictures in my mind of things like the house i thought i’d be staying in and the outfit i’d wear to the airport. i typed out a long, thought-out instagram caption in the notes app on my phone, favorited a few photos that i planned on posting with it, and even decided on a good time to post while i was bored at the airport, in between the snacks and drinks from the places i’d already found on the airport map “over the past few years,” i’d typed, “i’ve had the amazing opportunity to live in upstate ny, vermont, colorado, virginia, and now oregon, as well as being able to travel to several other parts of this country and canada, as well as africa. i’m currently struggling to find a word strong enough to express the amount and depth of gratitude that i have for all the places i’ve been able to go, things i’ve been able to do, and all of the beautiful souls i’ve come into contact with along the way. swipe to last pic to see how excited i am for this move !!”.

well that obviously didn’t work out. take two. i booked what appeared to be a decent, but still quite inexpensive, hotel not too far from the airport for a few days, and i was going to adventure around southern oregon by myself, as i knew i needed to work on spending time alone, and this seemed like the perfect opportunity to do so. i made an itinerary for myself that night, with where i was going to eat every meal and what i was going to do and where i was going to be for every hour of my trip, noting exactly how i would get to each destination. i tried again with an instagram caption. “i had a whole caption planned about how excited and grateful i was for the opportunity to move to oregon” i began, “with some guy i barely knew, and how grateful i was for all the people places and things in my life up until that point. sometimes shit happens, and things don’t go as planned, for some reason we can’t explain. my oregon plans began to crumble barely an hour after i bought my plane ticket, less than two days before i was scheduled to fly out. i was devasted, frantic, panicked, afraid. i couldn’t bring myself to cancel my flight. i’d told everyone i knew how excited i was for this move. i was so afraid to admit to any of my family or close friends that i was stupid enough to let someone do me like that and to be unable to make it on my own out there. after sitting and thinking for a couple hours i realized i still had an amazing opportunity. anyone who knows me well knows i suck at being alone. i’m always with people. i’m always talking to someone. being stuck with the loudness of my own thoughts is terrifying for me. and i had a plane ticket to an area i’d never been to, where i could explore, alone, and learn to spend time by myself. if i find a way to stay in oregon, cool. but if not, i have a new experience under my belt. thank you 😌. “

well, oregon didn’t end up being this great solo-journey full of self-discovery that i was starting to envision, either. not too long after i arrived, the man i’d planned on staying with (friend/acquaintance/weird tinder man from my last post) suddenly appeared back in the picture, at the room that was nothing like i’d been anticipating, and i had to recreate my story for a third time. i soon realized that not everything could be so easily calculated. friend/acquaintance/weird tinder man didn’t tell me anything. it was up to me to realize there was no house. it was up to me to figure out where i was staying each night and where my next move was. the only thing up to him was when and where he was going to show up and what he was going to say. and with my unknowing it was impossible for me to plan for him or plan around him. i was forced to learn to ride the uncomfortable wave of uncertainty and face things as they came.

when f/a/wtm stopped responding to my texts upon me telling him about the purchase of my plane ticket, part of the plan b that i began formulating involved what i was going to do after oregon. i figured i’d already packed so much stuff and detached myself from pretty much any commitments back on the east coast, i might as well travel around and live out of my suitcase for a bit longer. i’ve lived in a few different cities in different areas of the country, so i still have friends and connections in these locations, as well as some that i’ve met there who have since relocated to other cities that i haven’t yet had the opportunity to visit. i was pretty certain that some of these friends would be willing to pay for at least a portion of my airfare, and they’d for sure let me stay with them in their home if i was just in town for a visit for a week or so. i ran this idea by some people i was looking to stay with, they all agreed and were excited to see me. that is, until it became time to actually start planning and paying. “would sometime as soon as the end of this week be fine? i know its short notice,” i’d ask. it always was, until i sent a text on thursday to the friend who’d agreed to host me “as soon as friday”, and suddenly “tomorrow” sounded too soon. i’d leave a friends house and tell them, or leave a hotel room and tell f/a/wtm that “i might be going to (vermont/ denver/ syracuse/ kentucky/ wherever else) tomorrow” and that i might never see them again. of course, that never happened. i was trying so hard to avoid going immediately home to virginia that i really didn’t plan on it happening. and i ended up both staying in oregon longer than planned at the last point, and returning to virginia far sooner than planned. maybe this whole trip was gods plan for teaching me that his plan is the only plan, and that i can’t control everything.