WARNING: this post won’t be at all organized and probably won’t make any sense. It won’t be beautiful or poetic. its just a spewing of my thoughts, as they are, in my mind.

I can’t write now. I’m doing too well. I’m not having any crazy thoughts that I need to get out. I’m existing. Happily. Existing. Its mundane but content. I always think I’m doing well. When I look back to what I can now see as some of my worst points, I thought I was doing well. So does that mean that I am hardcore struggling right now, and that I’m in denial? Maybe. What will it take for me to feel my pain? Will I know when I lose X amount of pounds again? Or when I find myself waking up in a hospital again? Maybe I have to put myself through some more trauma, spend time with people that I know are dangerous, put myself into situations that are just, well, bad. Maybe this is just how my life is meant to go, waves of feeling good about how good things are going, crashing and trying to fix things, thinking that I’m doing oh-so-well again, just to crash yet again and realize that my progress was all a lie. I often find myself reminiscing on previous phases of my life, innocent youthful audrina, hot-mess high school audrina, wild party girl audrina, soft and vulnerable in treatment audrina, and whatever other versions of me existed in the past. I wonder what I’ll call this part of my life in a few years. I think about these different pieces of me often, and all of them still exist, coming out in different ways every now and again. Some people might say that I live in the past, spending my morning showers thinking about who I was a year or two ago, falling asleep at night while reading journal entries from when I was in treatment for my eating disorder. I disagree. If we don’t remember the past, and think regularly about the ways we moved on from it, can we really keep it in the past? If I don’t reflect on the worst nights of my life, whats stopping me from reliving them? Or maybe they’re right. I do feel stuck right now, yet unsure what I’m stuck in. Maybe I am stuck in the past. Who knows.