another unorganized rambling, sort of an overthinking out loud part 2, if you will. enjoy!

If this is your first time reading my blog, welcome. My name’s Audrina and this is where, for only about the past week and a half or so, I have been spewing words in the forms of poetry, story times, and jumbled-up thoughts turned into even more jumbled-up words. What I’m trying to say is, I’m very new at this. I’ve toyed with the idea before, with sharing my thoughts, feelings, and ideas. I’d do this on a different platform for a short while, and then quit because it felt “wrong”. I’d start a food-centric Instagram page, and then delete it as soon as I realized it was making me focus even more than I already was on food, which was ultimately detrimental to my recovery (I’ve been struggling with an eating disorder for almost half my life, granted I’m only 20, but still). I’d write and write and write until I would discover that I’d been writing for all of the wrong reasons. Sometimes I would write so that others would perceive me a certain way, and post pictures that made my life look a certain way, and give the illusion of a perfect, dreamy aesthetic. A common reason was that I wanted to help others, and give hope and guidance and relief to the people who related to my words. Don’t get me wrong, helping others is lovely and great. We should all help others. The problem is that everything I’ve done with my life for the past almost 21 years was to serve others, never allowing anything at all in the universe to be of service to me and only me. This time around is different. I’m writing and sharing because it is therapeutic to me. If you’re reading this, thats cool, but please stop if you’re not thoroughly enjoying it. Frankly, I just don’t care. Its not that I don’t care about you, dear reader, I really do from the bottom of my heart. Although I don’t know you, I love and care for you from the bottom of my heart, and it greatly pains me to see anyone at all suffering, regardless of if they’re someone I get along with or care to be around. I’m not saying this because I want you to view me as a kind, caring, compassionate, whatever you personally might call it person. I really don’t care what you think of me, or even if you’re aware of my existence. I’m just saying it because its who I am as a person, and maybe someone out there wants to know that about me. I don’t care if anyone sees this, if anyone reads or follows my blog, or likes any of my posts. I recently decided to take a break from all social media, as my life was ruled by trying to live in a way that was beautiful to other people, and doing things to make them happy. Long story short, I’m a people-pleaser. Always have been, and perhaps always will be. Which I think is ok, as long as one of the people that I’m pleasing is myself. Anywho, writing this blog felt wrong, too much like the social media that I haven’t so much as looked at or scrolled through in several weeks. But I realized it was different, not only because, to my knowledge, no one here knows who I am. But also because my thoughts and attitude behind this platform are so separate and detached from my views on social media. I deserve to write, so I will.