oregon: the lessons: part 1 nothing ever goes as planned

if you read my last blog post you’ll know that this trip out to oregon was a very spontaneous, impulsive, last-minute, spur-of-the-moment type thing. most things that i do are. i’m a life path 5 in numerology, its basically the nature of the beast. that being said, i’m also such a planner. in the brief span of time between me having an idea of something i want to do and the execution, i get an idea in my head of exactly how its going to go. in the few days leading up to my departure from baltimore, i had vivid pictures in my mind of things like the house i thought i’d be staying in and the outfit i’d wear to the airport. i typed out a long, thought-out instagram caption in the notes app on my phone, favorited a few photos that i planned on posting with it, and even decided on a good time to post while i was bored at the airport, in between the snacks and drinks from the places i’d already found on the airport map “over the past few years,” i’d typed, “i’ve had the amazing opportunity to live in upstate ny, vermont, colorado, virginia, and now oregon, as well as being able to travel to several other parts of this country and canada, as well as africa. i’m currently struggling to find a word strong enough to express the amount and depth of gratitude that i have for all the places i’ve been able to go, things i’ve been able to do, and all of the beautiful souls i’ve come into contact with along the way. swipe to last pic to see how excited i am for this move !!”.

well that obviously didn’t work out. take two. i booked what appeared to be a decent, but still quite inexpensive, hotel not too far from the airport for a few days, and i was going to adventure around southern oregon by myself, as i knew i needed to work on spending time alone, and this seemed like the perfect opportunity to do so. i made an itinerary for myself that night, with where i was going to eat every meal and what i was going to do and where i was going to be for every hour of my trip, noting exactly how i would get to each destination. i tried again with an instagram caption. “i had a whole caption planned about how excited and grateful i was for the opportunity to move to oregon” i began, “with some guy i barely knew, and how grateful i was for all the people places and things in my life up until that point. sometimes shit happens, and things don’t go as planned, for some reason we can’t explain. my oregon plans began to crumble barely an hour after i bought my plane ticket, less than two days before i was scheduled to fly out. i was devasted, frantic, panicked, afraid. i couldn’t bring myself to cancel my flight. i’d told everyone i knew how excited i was for this move. i was so afraid to admit to any of my family or close friends that i was stupid enough to let someone do me like that and to be unable to make it on my own out there. after sitting and thinking for a couple hours i realized i still had an amazing opportunity. anyone who knows me well knows i suck at being alone. i’m always with people. i’m always talking to someone. being stuck with the loudness of my own thoughts is terrifying for me. and i had a plane ticket to an area i’d never been to, where i could explore, alone, and learn to spend time by myself. if i find a way to stay in oregon, cool. but if not, i have a new experience under my belt. thank you 😌. “

well, oregon didn’t end up being this great solo-journey full of self-discovery that i was starting to envision, either. not too long after i arrived, the man i’d planned on staying with (friend/acquaintance/weird tinder man from my last post) suddenly appeared back in the picture, at the room that was nothing like i’d been anticipating, and i had to recreate my story for a third time. i soon realized that not everything could be so easily calculated. friend/acquaintance/weird tinder man didn’t tell me anything. it was up to me to realize there was no house. it was up to me to figure out where i was staying each night and where my next move was. the only thing up to him was when and where he was going to show up and what he was going to say. and with my unknowing it was impossible for me to plan for him or plan around him. i was forced to learn to ride the uncomfortable wave of uncertainty and face things as they came.

when f/a/wtm stopped responding to my texts upon me telling him about the purchase of my plane ticket, part of the plan b that i began formulating involved what i was going to do after oregon. i figured i’d already packed so much stuff and detached myself from pretty much any commitments back on the east coast, i might as well travel around and live out of my suitcase for a bit longer. i’ve lived in a few different cities in different areas of the country, so i still have friends and connections in these locations, as well as some that i’ve met there who have since relocated to other cities that i haven’t yet had the opportunity to visit. i was pretty certain that some of these friends would be willing to pay for at least a portion of my airfare, and they’d for sure let me stay with them in their home if i was just in town for a visit for a week or so. i ran this idea by some people i was looking to stay with, they all agreed and were excited to see me. that is, until it became time to actually start planning and paying. “would sometime as soon as the end of this week be fine? i know its short notice,” i’d ask. it always was, until i sent a text on thursday to the friend who’d agreed to host me “as soon as friday”, and suddenly “tomorrow” sounded too soon. i’d leave a friends house and tell them, or leave a hotel room and tell f/a/wtm that “i might be going to (vermont/ denver/ syracuse/ kentucky/ wherever else) tomorrow” and that i might never see them again. of course, that never happened. i was trying so hard to avoid going immediately home to virginia that i really didn’t plan on it happening. and i ended up both staying in oregon longer than planned at the last point, and returning to virginia far sooner than planned. maybe this whole trip was gods plan for teaching me that his plan is the only plan, and that i can’t control everything.

fall

as summer ends and fall approaches, the kids go back to school. i’m currently in the midst of a rather long hiatus from formal education, as I focus on healing myself and saving up money and resources to resume my studies. however, this time of year always makes me eager to learn in one way or another, as my friends head back to their universities and the internet and my television are both flooded with back to school ads. i have always been a super big fan of lists, so here is a list of some of the things i want to learn in the near future.

I want to learn to take up space.
- standing at about 5’2″ and weighing… enough, and thats all that matters, but i digress, i still feel an intense desire, sometimes even a need, to shrink myself. i’ve spent the majority of my days feeling as though i don’t deserve to take up so much space in the physical plane, doing all that i could to destroy my body to its most minimal form. i’ve been working super hard to overcome that, and i have definitely made some progress that is too substantial to go unmentioned. i should be proud of myself, but i’m still learning to allow myself to feel that way towards myself. i’ve learned to accept my body for what it is now, but to be honest, don’t think i would be comfortable at all if i gained any more weight. i’ve always felt that as a female it was my role and my design to be little, and cute, small, and dainty. i see other women all the time, who have larger bodies, and they are just as beautiful and just as feminine as their smaller counterparts. for some reason, however, i have a hard time applying this to myself. being small has become a part of my identity, something i feel myself seeking reassurance of regularly, as i try to fit into conversation seemingly as often as possible “I ONLY WEIGH X LBS!!”, be it when talking about what a lightweight i am as far as substances are concerned, who i could/ couldn’t take in a (hypothetical) fight (“i’m stronger than i look !! i know i’m little but i’m strong for only weighing x lbs !!”), or just about any other way i could squeeze it in.
- i’m very quiet until i’m spoken to, i’m passive, i’m agreeable, i do what i’m told. i’m never the first to reach out. i’ve definitely gotten better about this, as i learn to speak up more than i have ever really felt comfortable with. however, i want to learn to take up space in the conversation without it having to be such a conscious effort. i want to find balance and learn to take up just as much space as god has intended for one person to take up, on all planes. i should be able to take up as much space as i need, be it all of the space, or maybe a little less some days. i deserve to breathe and be comfortable.
I want to learn to just be.
- i’ve always been the type of person who always has to be doing something. most nights i wake up in the middle of the night in a state of panic, thinking its midday and i’m late for work, or remembering my laundry or dishes that definitely do not urgently need to be taken care of at 3 am, but for whatever reason i think they do. the whole month of my birthday every year, i spend stressing out over the idea that i might not have enough fun. the other day I went to the beach having set the intention of just being there, not doing anything, simply existing at the beach, admiring the crashing waves and the warm sunlight and how it feels on my skin. but the whole time i was there i felt i had to be doing something. i had to read a book, not because i wanted to be reading at that moment in time, but because it felt productive, like i was doing something to better myself. i had to take a walk, again, not because it was what i felt like doing, but because i had to make sure i took enough steps that day. i had to set a damn schedule for when i rotated my body as i laid in the sun, to make sure i got a nice even tan, because god forbid i just lay however feels comfortable for me and enjoy the feel of the sunlight on my skin.

those are my 2 main ones for now, i’m sure i will add more as the season progresses.

mom

my relationship with my mother has never been good. it has never been easy. i’ve always found myself to do my best when she is kept afar, and i don’t have to speak to her often. as i’ve been spending more time around her again, i can feel things getting bad again. things are bad with me and her. things are bad with me and myself. things are bad with me and my dad. i’d go into detail, but quite frankly living with her, and living with my own sick mind, is beyond exhausting. last night i saw her for the first time in about a week. within minutes of her arrival, we were arguing about an avocado, about how i’m useless and can’t do anything right, about how i’ll never be anything more than a big disappointment and that she hates me and regrets giving birth to me. a normal interaction for us, but it reminded me of some of our worst exchanges, sending me into a dark spiral of reading old text messages to my friends where i disclosed some of the most outrageous things that she has said, some of the most outrageous things i have ever heard. sometimes its hard to tell where her craziness ends and mine begins. she denies being anything less than the best, most loving mother, and it has always been hard for me to accept that she is not fully to blame for my struggles, that i myself have to be held accountable, but its just as hard to not believe her when she tells me she hates me, that all of the bad things are my fault, etc. etc. the darkest, most confusing spiral.

we love our mothers,
and the earth
for giving us life,
for providing for us,
and giving us a home.

logically, i should love myself,
for making decisions to create
the future that I want.
for feeding and taking care of my body.

but instead, I beat myself up
over every bad decision,
every mistake,
regardless of how much I enjoyed it,
or what i got out of it.

i despise myself,
for every morsel i eat,
for anything i ever do
to benefit only myself.
i thank my mother
for the opportunity to walk this earth,
yet hate myself for walking it.

the habit of self-destruction

these past few days, this poem that I wrote has really been resonating with me. things have never really gotten easier, I just started doing them anyway. every day is still a struggle, which often leaves me wondering why. why is it so hard? why do I want to give up and do things that I know are no good for me?

I smoke cigarettes
I used to tear open my skin
I've detached myself from my body,
and sold it,
for money and for drugs.
Was I trying to get rid of it?
And give it up entirely to another?
We don't jump off the plane
on our way to vacation,
or dive out of our cars,
as we drive down the highway.
So why should I abort my vessel?

back home

my life is so different now that i’m back home, in my childhood bedroom, after hardly having spent any decent chunks of time here in the past two years. thoughts of the way things once were and the way i thought things would still be often flood my head, so naturally i’ve been writing poems about it such as this one, which i have titled “I miss you”

i miss you.
sometimes i feel like i don't exist
or maybe i just don't want to.
i'm afraid to be awake, 
stuck with the thought of you,
followed by your memory.
i'm afraid to sleep most nights,
knowing we'll inevitably be reunited in my dreams.
and dreams end.
a painful reminder that its no longer real,
and feels like it never was.
everything i did i did for you.
so now i no longer know why,
or even how,
to do anything.
you follow me too close,
wherever i go,
but only when you're many miles away.
i miss you.