fall

as summer ends and fall approaches, the kids go back to school. i’m currently in the midst of a rather long hiatus from formal education, as I focus on healing myself and saving up money and resources to resume my studies. however, this time of year always makes me eager to learn in one way or another, as my friends head back to their universities and the internet and my television are both flooded with back to school ads. i have always been a super big fan of lists, so here is a list of some of the things i want to learn in the near future.

I want to learn to take up space.
- standing at about 5’2″ and weighing… enough, and thats all that matters, but i digress, i still feel an intense desire, sometimes even a need, to shrink myself. i’ve spent the majority of my days feeling as though i don’t deserve to take up so much space in the physical plane, doing all that i could to destroy my body to its most minimal form. i’ve been working super hard to overcome that, and i have definitely made some progress that is too substantial to go unmentioned. i should be proud of myself, but i’m still learning to allow myself to feel that way towards myself. i’ve learned to accept my body for what it is now, but to be honest, don’t think i would be comfortable at all if i gained any more weight. i’ve always felt that as a female it was my role and my design to be little, and cute, small, and dainty. i see other women all the time, who have larger bodies, and they are just as beautiful and just as feminine as their smaller counterparts. for some reason, however, i have a hard time applying this to myself. being small has become a part of my identity, something i feel myself seeking reassurance of regularly, as i try to fit into conversation seemingly as often as possible “I ONLY WEIGH X LBS!!”, be it when talking about what a lightweight i am as far as substances are concerned, who i could/ couldn’t take in a (hypothetical) fight (“i’m stronger than i look !! i know i’m little but i’m strong for only weighing x lbs !!”), or just about any other way i could squeeze it in.
- i’m very quiet until i’m spoken to, i’m passive, i’m agreeable, i do what i’m told. i’m never the first to reach out. i’ve definitely gotten better about this, as i learn to speak up more than i have ever really felt comfortable with. however, i want to learn to take up space in the conversation without it having to be such a conscious effort. i want to find balance and learn to take up just as much space as god has intended for one person to take up, on all planes. i should be able to take up as much space as i need, be it all of the space, or maybe a little less some days. i deserve to breathe and be comfortable.
I want to learn to just be.
- i’ve always been the type of person who always has to be doing something. most nights i wake up in the middle of the night in a state of panic, thinking its midday and i’m late for work, or remembering my laundry or dishes that definitely do not urgently need to be taken care of at 3 am, but for whatever reason i think they do. the whole month of my birthday every year, i spend stressing out over the idea that i might not have enough fun. the other day I went to the beach having set the intention of just being there, not doing anything, simply existing at the beach, admiring the crashing waves and the warm sunlight and how it feels on my skin. but the whole time i was there i felt i had to be doing something. i had to read a book, not because i wanted to be reading at that moment in time, but because it felt productive, like i was doing something to better myself. i had to take a walk, again, not because it was what i felt like doing, but because i had to make sure i took enough steps that day. i had to set a damn schedule for when i rotated my body as i laid in the sun, to make sure i got a nice even tan, because god forbid i just lay however feels comfortable for me and enjoy the feel of the sunlight on my skin.

those are my 2 main ones for now, i’m sure i will add more as the season progresses.

letting the light in

As I stated in my last post, these past few days/weeks/however long its been has been really good to me. I’ve been allowing myself to take up space, both physically and figuratively, and letting myself feel joy and goodness and warmth so powerful it nearly overtakes me. Things that seem ever so simple, but have always been a struggle for me. I’ve been learning to stop second-guessing what makes me feel good. If I want a cookie, I eat a cookie. If I want to go out, I go out. If I want to stay in, I stay in. Choices that seem so obvious, but for whatever reason seem so hard to make. I’ve learned to ride the waves of life and just let it happen. Letting it all become easy, has been far from easy. Its a constant and conscious effort to stop myself from searching for a reason, an “oh I have more energy because I’ve been eating more of this and less of that,” or “Oh I must be happy because I’ve been spending more time with friend-x, -y, or -z, and based on our natal charts we are wicked compatible, so he/she/they must be the love of my life and we must get married so I absolutely cannot mess this up or say one wrong thing at all or else my life is ruined.” Basically, I jump to conclusions. Drastic conclusions. Rapidly. Don’t get me wrong, a healthy diet and time spent with good people could definitely be, and actually is most likely, contributing to this upward spiral I seem to be in. I acknowledge that. But I am learning that it is super unhealthy for me personally, to get so fixated on the why and how, and make it an obsession. Its a control thing really. Control is good when needed, but if things are good the way they just happen, maybe I should let them just happen. Good feelings won’t last forever, and I know that. But I have made a decision to not worry about the decline until it begins.

back home

my life is so different now that i’m back home, in my childhood bedroom, after hardly having spent any decent chunks of time here in the past two years. thoughts of the way things once were and the way i thought things would still be often flood my head, so naturally i’ve been writing poems about it such as this one, which i have titled “I miss you”

i miss you.
sometimes i feel like i don't exist
or maybe i just don't want to.
i'm afraid to be awake, 
stuck with the thought of you,
followed by your memory.
i'm afraid to sleep most nights,
knowing we'll inevitably be reunited in my dreams.
and dreams end.
a painful reminder that its no longer real,
and feels like it never was.
everything i did i did for you.
so now i no longer know why,
or even how,
to do anything.
you follow me too close,
wherever i go,
but only when you're many miles away.
i miss you.